Barack Obama to open games

Yes it’s true and you heard it here first!

Barack (not to be confused with Ballack the shy Chelsea midfielder) Obama is to open the London Olympics! The short list also included Sheryl Cole, Rob Brydon, Geoff Boycott, Duffy and Margaret Thatcher.
Barack narrowly beat Sheryl by 1 vote to become the first non national to ever open an Olympic games. I am sure this is neither his first first nor his last first.

Obama was born in Hawaii on Aug. 4, 1961. His father was from Kenya and was representing his country in the Hawaiian State surfing championship when he met Obama’s mother Anne, a plucky lifeguard from Kansas. Obama’s parents divorced when he was two in a bloody sacrificial Kenyan ceremony forcing his pop to beat a hasty return to Kenya. Obama grew up in Hawaii and also spent some time in Indonesia working in a Nike sweat shop to earn pocket money to feed his fledgling love for political comics.

Obama went to Harvard Law School, graduating in 1991 with a Desmond. His first leap into politics was an 8-year term in the Illinois State Senate. He ran for U.S. Senate in 2004, winning 70 percent of the vote over the cross dressing Republican Alan Keyes. On February 10, 2007, Obama stood at the Illinois State Capital to announce his candidacy for president and the rest is history.

London’s Olympic Opening Ceremony Committee met in secret to elect Obama. The hard drinking chairperson, Max Mosley, left top secret minutes in the sauna at his “private” members club where they came into my possession whilst visiting a sick friend. Nick Brown, the government's Chief Whip, is reported to have asked for Mosley to be flogged.

Personally I would have preferred the omnipotent Sheryl but Obama is a great choice. It is a pity he is not British but at least we can claim a tenuous link through his Commonwealth born father.