How to carry a shotgun

Step 1:
It is probably safe to assume that the gun is not loaded when you first pick it up but only if it is your gun. If in doubt,I prefer the Austrian method, slip the safety off, point the gun straight up and fire. Then, break the shotgun to load it. It is always best to carry your gun loaded so that you fire in an instant.

Step 2:
Place your shotgun licence in a readily accessible place so that in case of accidents (lets face it, we are all human) it can be quickly produced for the police.

Step 3:
Pass your arm around the shotgun so that the stock comes to rest in the crook of your elbow as if you are helping a blind lady across a busy road. Allow the gun to dangle down so that the barrel points to the ground roughly at the same angle as a cheese portion.

Step 4:
Switch your carry position if your arm becomes tired by resting the gun, right side up, on your shoulder like a sleeping child. Hold the gun's barrel with the hand on the opposite side of the shoulder that the gun rests on. You can use your other hand to stabilize the gun at a position closer to the butt. Resist the temptation to walk backwards.

Definition of a shotgun
A light, smooth-bored gun, often double-barrelled, especially designed for firing small shot at short range, and killing things.

Top 10 shotgun slang

Biscuit buster
Brixton typewriter
Donkey leg
Smoke pole
Height adjuster
Colander cannon
2 bar heater
Bank loan
Boom stick

"Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a lamb with a shotgun contesting the vote!"
Benjamin Franklin

Boris Johnson, Olympic traffic lanes

Boris Johnson, London’s new Liberal mayor, has planned special traffic lanes to speed competitors and officials to the various Olympic venues. My own event, trap shooting, will be held at the snooty Royal Artillery Barracks in Greenwich. Like the vast majority of us lead slingers, I live in Surrey which means blocking off vast swathes of the M25 and A2 just to get us there. Why can’t the competition be held at the Surrey home of shooting in Wisley which will only involve local closures of the A3?

Tessa Jowell

Tessa Jowell recently said that the government would not have bid for the Olympics in the current economic climate. I am reliably told that this is a clear signal that huge cost cuts are to be made and as usual it will be us athletes who will be penalised.

My own event, the Olympic Trap, has already been reduced from 125 qualifying shots to the women’s total of 75 shots. There is a serious bid to have the equestrian events removed from the modern pentathlon and the men’s decathlon will be reduced to a heptathlon to accord with the women. The government think that the Greek names will hide the changes from an unsuspecting public. “Il pubblico non sono pazzi” as they say in Athens. It is estimated these cost savings alone will pay for all the breakfasts in the Olympic village.

This is just the tip of the iceberg and other savings rumoured include, combining the pistol shooting with the start of athletic events and holding the vision impaired events at night. It is time for all us Olympians to take a stand or before we know we will end up with chocolate medals!

Paralympics and Guide Dogs

Why are there no events that allow guide dogs? The running events for example could easily have guide dogs instead of competitors being handcuffed to able bodied athletes who couldn't cut it in the proper Olympics. I will be competing in the clay pigeon shooting at the London games and we don't allow dogs of any sort despite our long tradition with gun dogs. I am sure the Paralympics would be an ideal opportunity for a new breed of gun guide dogs. Dogs are good swimmers and work well with horses. The possibilities are endless. Changing the subject slightly why don't they have guide dogs for the obese? They could be an invaluable aid running to the chippy or helping take socks off etc.

Shotgun

I think I have found an event I can compete in.
Shooting a shotgun can't be that difficult particularly as you are firing a dustbin lid at a saucer. Four years will be ample time to master this sport which suits the more mature competitor.
I am going down to Wisley first thing in the morning to get started.