London Olympics 2012

Symbolism of the Olympic Rings

2009-01-25T13:13:00.000-08:00

The five interlocking rings represent the five continents of the world, Asia, Africa, North America, South America, Antarctica, Europe, and Australia. The five-ringed symbol represents the union of the five continents and the meeting of athletes from throughout the world. It has recently come to the Olympic committee’s attention that there are in fact seven continents. Antarctica has been banned from competing due to pressure from the anti whaling lobby and for generally being crap at games which leaves six continents.

The London games will therefore be sporting the new six ringed flag. Mayor Boris Johnson will shortly be announcing the results of an international competition to select the sixth colour with violet being the hot favourite. This has caused controversy.

Iran have threatened to boycott the games if violet is chosen as they believe it is veiled support for Paralynn “Violet” Ardalana, the famous Iranian feminist activist.

Uganda, Ghana and Kenya have also said they will not attend the games if violet is chosen. Violet paper has traditionally been used in Britain to package chocolate and this is seen as a reference to our shameful colonial slave trading past.

My personal choice for the new ring is red but as this is already a ring colour I don’t think I will win the competition.

Just to confuse things, the opening ceremony of the Olympic Games adds an additional layer of symbolism to the flag. Traditionally, twenty eight people carry in the flag. Five of these flag bearers represent the continents, while the remainder represent the organs of the body. The number of flag bearers will remain the same with an organ being removed to make way for the extra continent. The committee have decided to omit the anus.

Olympic Torch

2009-01-19T12:56:00.000-08:00

The Olympic torch is a symbol of the games. It commemorates the theft of fire from the Greek god Scorcheous by Prostheticus the god of limbs and its origins began in ancient Greece. The flaming torch has always been used except for a brief period between 1836 – 1924 when it was replaced by a swastika the symbol for fire and sun. The 1928 Amsterdam games famously reintroduced the flame. There were copyright issues as Adolph Hitler’s claimed the swastika design as his own is his popular book Mein Kampf.

The flame has been fuelled by a variety of means over the generations from its humble beginnings as a flaming leg from a defeated Marathon warrior to London’s proposed nuclear powered flame.

The most famous torch incident was at the 1832 Hobart games. The Nawab of Gutra, the lanky Indian shot-putting torch bearer, set fire to his turban on entering the packed stadium. In a blind panic reminiscent of the 1830 Delhi railway stampede, he careered from stand to stand like a whirling durvisher, igniting each in turn. Within minutes the whole stadium was ablaze like the barby from hell. The entire Swiss track team were amongst the 257 fatalities and to this day the Swiss have never competed in track and field at an Olympics nor permitted Indian restaurants anywhere within their borders in mindless retribution. The event is celebrated within the Swiss national anthem “Der Kopf des Inders ist auf dem Feuer”.

Olympic Heroes - Jesse Owens

2009-01-11T11:57:00.000-08:00

Jesse Owens was born in Alabama, the lobster state, in 1913 exactly 66 years to the day after his namesake Jesse James. Whilst Jesse James reacted to childhood name taunts with vicious violence, Owens chose to run away. The ghetto was no place to run and he would quickly attract a Hamelin like posse of thugs, undercover cops, paedophiles and ambulance chasers. His speed soon became legendary.

Owens first came to national attention as a student when he equaled the world record of 9.4 seconds in the 100-yard dash at the 1933 National High School Championship in Chicago.

Berlin hosted the Olympic games in 1936 with Owens competing for the United States. Adolf Hitler was using the games to show the world a resurgent Nazi Germany. While the German dictator looked on, the 22-year-old Ohio State sophomore, in what has been hailed as the greatest Olympic moment of all time,won four gold medals .

Hitler was livid and personally challenged Owens to an after hours double or quits race. The Fuhrer, despite being in the best condition of his life, was no match for Jesse. True to his word Adolf doubled Owens gold tally. It was on the boat home that Owens realised he had been duped and the medals were chocolate. His report to the CIA that this man was not to be trusted and should be slaughtered like a rabid dog, went unheeded. If only they had listened.

Owens was blackballed on his return as Hitler, with the full weight of the Third Reich propaganda machine behind him, circulated pictures of the race showing him narrowly beating Owens. Owen died of constipation at age 66 in Tucson, Arizona in 1980.

Barack Obama to open games

2009-01-07T14:58:00.000-08:00

Yes it’s true and you heard it here first!

Barack (not to be confused with Ballack the shy Chelsea midfielder) Obama is to open the London Olympics! The short list also included Sheryl Cole, Rob Brydon, Geoff Boycott, Duffy and Margaret Thatcher.
Barack narrowly beat Sheryl by 1 vote to become the first non national to ever open an Olympic games. I am sure this is neither his first first nor his last first.

Obama was born in Hawaii on Aug. 4, 1961. His father was from Kenya and was representing his country in the Hawaiian State surfing championship when he met Obama’s mother Anne, a plucky lifeguard from Kansas. Obama’s parents divorced when he was two in a bloody sacrificial Kenyan ceremony forcing his pop to beat a hasty return to Kenya. Obama grew up in Hawaii and also spent some time in Indonesia working in a Nike sweat shop to earn pocket money to feed his fledgling love for political comics.

Obama went to Harvard Law School, graduating in 1991 with a Desmond. His first leap into politics was an 8-year term in the Illinois State Senate. He ran for U.S. Senate in 2004, winning 70 percent of the vote over the cross dressing Republican Alan Keyes. On February 10, 2007, Obama stood at the Illinois State Capital to announce his candidacy for president and the rest is history.

London’s Olympic Opening Ceremony Committee met in secret to elect Obama. The hard drinking chairperson, Max Mosley, left top secret minutes in the sauna at his “private” members club where they came into my possession whilst visiting a sick friend. Nick Brown, the government's Chief Whip, is reported to have asked for Mosley to be flogged.

Personally I would have preferred the omnipotent Sheryl but Obama is a great choice. It is a pity he is not British but at least we can claim a tenuous link through his Commonwealth born father.

Olympic Shooting Heroes

2008-12-22T14:01:00.000-08:00

Oscar and Alfred Swan
Together father Oscar and son Alfred Swan won 15 medals at four Olympic Games for Sweden. The 60-year old Oscar opened the medal hunting for the Swahn family by winning a gold and bronze medal in the individual competition and added gold together with his son Freddy in the team match. Oscar the “Ombudsman” was a natural shooter and at the age of 4 performed in front of King Frederik VIII shooting juvenile game in the children’s zoo. Freddy was a dreamer and never achieved the dizzy heights reached by his father who, at the age of 72, is still the oldest competitor ever to win a medal. Freddy’s career ended in shame forcing the return of his beloved gold medal for the inaugural kayak shooting slalom. The urine sample he provided during the medal ceremony was never actually requested.

Zang Shang
The 1992 Olympic trap-shooting winner, Zang Shang was the only one armed competitor ever to win a shooting medal. His was the first recorded case of losing an arm whilst running with scissors. He used a special modified shotgun with an extended barrel which he held between his toes.

David Hancook
When David Hancook starts something, it might be best to get out of his way. This rooting tooting 2008 USA Olympic trap shooter started competing when he was 11 and by age 16 he was the 2005 World Champion in men's skeet. Vince certainly came through for the USA in Men's Skeet in Beijing, taking the top spot and securing Gold. This is a young man in a hurry so let’s hope he remembers his mom and all that terrible ripping she went through giving him life.

Olympic Trap Rules

2008-12-16T12:46:00.000-08:00

I hope to represent Great Britain in Olympic Trap Shooting (if selected) and for the uninitiated here are our rules.

The event is named after the device that fires the clay targets into the air. Pre 1874, when mechanical traps were invented, clay plates were thrown by “spinners”. The best spinners were the Chinese and their large immigration to America in the late 1890’s was primarily to fill the skills shortage as trap shooting gained popularity.

A trench in front of the shooting stands conceals 15 traps arranged in 5 groups of 3. Shooters take turns to shoot at a target each, before moving in a clockwise direction to the next stand in the line. The heights vary, and the shooter does not know which of the three traps will release next. As each target is released, the shooter is allowed two shots. Men have 125 shots and the beauty is Olympic competitors don’t pay for the cartridges.

To hold with tradition the cartridges are supplied by “runners” who are always Chinese. It hasn’t happened yet but shooting a runner results in instant disqualification.

Scoring is simple, one point for each clay hit. The six best competitors from the qualification round advance to the final and they shoot at an extra 25 clay targets.

The maximum score of 150 has only been achieved once in an Olympic competition by the mercurial Mexican Alan Lamb in the 1948 London Olympics. It proved to be a poison chalice and his life was blighted by failing eyesight culminated in the accidental shooting of his father who was running for him at a local shoot.

My own best score to date is 37 which has pleased my personal trainer Wung Shoo. He says if I improve 3 shots a month I should peak in time to achieve the second perfect score in a London Olympics. Watch this space.

Shotguns in History

2008-12-15T13:21:00.000-08:00

John “ Kitten” Dillinger

Dillinger, whose name once dominated the headlines, was a notorious and vicious thief. From September, 1933, until July, 1934, he and his violent gang terrorized the Midwest, killing 10 men. John Herbert Dillinger was born on June 22, 1903, in the Oak Hill section of Indianapolis, a middle-class residential neighbourhood. His father, a hardworking male prostitute raised him cruelly but neatly. Taunted at school for his inability to catch a ball he was expelled for a humorous incident involving a kitten and the school bible. Work in the 30's was hard to find and Dillinger quickly entered the world of petty crime. Keen to get even for the continual kitten taunts, Dillinger bought his first shotgun, a hammerless Daniel Myron LeFever. This gun automatically cocked itself when the breech was closed. Something Dillinger was all too familiar with.

Dillinger was soon convicted of assault and battery with intent to rob, and received a sentence of 10 to 20 years in the Indiana State Prison. Stunned by the harsh sentence, Dillinger became a tortured, bitter man in prison comforted only by his love of anything cold. His period of infamy began on May 10, 1933, when he was paroled from prison after serving 8 years of his sentence.

Upon release Dillinger’s first shotgun “purchase” was a John Moses Browning lever action repeating shotgun which he stole from Alice Franklin whilst she was busy baking. He was really after a Browning Auto-5, the world's first semi-automatic shotgun and was beguiled by talk of Alices shotgun collection. In reality she didn’t know her trigger from her stock and the gun belonged to a passing preacher. This John Moses was to become his weapon of choice with which he killed 10 men and 2 horses.

Dillinger became a one man crime wave until he was killed in an ambush in Chicago at 10:50 p.m. on July 22, 1934. Three fatal shots, fired by Edgar J Hoover, hit Dillinger in the head, severing his nose and he fell face down on the pavement.

Dillinger was buried in Crown Hill Cemetery in Indianapolis, Indiana with his beloved John Moses Browning shotgun by his side. His nose was never found.

How to carry a shotgun

2008-11-24T15:59:00.000-08:00

Step 1:
It is probably safe to assume that the gun is not loaded when you first pick it up but only if it is your gun. If in doubt,I prefer the Austrian method, slip the safety off, point the gun straight up and fire. Then, break the shotgun to load it. It is always best to carry your gun loaded so that you fire in an instant.

Step 2:
Place your shotgun licence in a readily accessible place so that in case of accidents (lets face it, we are all human) it can be quickly produced for the police.

Step 3:
Pass your arm around the shotgun so that the stock comes to rest in the crook of your elbow as if you are helping a blind lady across a busy road. Allow the gun to dangle down so that the barrel points to the ground roughly at the same angle as a cheese portion.

Step 4:
Switch your carry position if your arm becomes tired by resting the gun, right side up, on your shoulder like a sleeping child. Hold the gun's barrel with the hand on the opposite side of the shoulder that the gun rests on. You can use your other hand to stabilize the gun at a position closer to the butt. Resist the temptation to walk backwards.

Definition of a shotgun
A light, smooth-bored gun, often double-barrelled, especially designed for firing small shot at short range, and killing things.

Top 10 shotgun slang

2008-11-22T13:54:00.000-08:00

Biscuit buster
Brixton typewriter
Donkey leg
Smoke pole
Height adjuster
Colander cannon
2 bar heater
Bank loan
Boom stick

"Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a lamb with a shotgun contesting the vote!"
Benjamin Franklin

Boris Johnson, Olympic traffic lanes

2008-11-22T13:24:00.000-08:00

Boris Johnson, London’s new Liberal mayor, has planned special traffic lanes to speed competitors and officials to the various Olympic venues. My own event, trap shooting, will be held at the snooty Royal Artillery Barracks in Greenwich. Like the vast majority of us lead slingers, I live in Surrey which means blocking off vast swathes of the M25 and A2 just to get us there. Why can’t the competition be held at the Surrey home of shooting in Wisley which will only involve local closures of the A3?

Tessa Jowell

2008-11-17T11:46:00.000-08:00

Tessa Jowell recently said that the government would not have bid for the Olympics in the current economic climate. I am reliably told that this is a clear signal that huge cost cuts are to be made and as usual it will be us athletes who will be penalised.

My own event, the Olympic Trap, has already been reduced from 125 qualifying shots to the women’s total of 75 shots. There is a serious bid to have the equestrian events removed from the modern pentathlon and the men’s decathlon will be reduced to a heptathlon to accord with the women. The government think that the Greek names will hide the changes from an unsuspecting public. “Il pubblico non sono pazzi” as they say in Athens. It is estimated these cost savings alone will pay for all the breakfasts in the Olympic village.

This is just the tip of the iceberg and other savings rumoured include, combining the pistol shooting with the start of athletic events and holding the vision impaired events at night. It is time for all us Olympians to take a stand or before we know we will end up with chocolate medals!

Paralympics and Guide Dogs

2008-11-04T12:52:00.000-08:00

Why are there no events that allow guide dogs? The running events for example could easily have guide dogs instead of competitors being handcuffed to able bodied athletes who couldn't cut it in the proper Olympics. I will be competing in the clay pigeon shooting at the London games and we don't allow dogs of any sort despite our long tradition with gun dogs. I am sure the Paralympics would be an ideal opportunity for a new breed of gun guide dogs. Dogs are good swimmers and work well with horses. The possibilities are endless. Changing the subject slightly why don't they have guide dogs for the obese? They could be an invaluable aid running to the chippy or helping take socks off etc.

Shotgun

2008-11-02T13:58:00.000-08:00

I think I have found an event I can compete in.
Shooting a shotgun can't be that difficult particularly as you are firing a dustbin lid at a saucer. Four years will be ample time to master this sport which suits the more mature competitor.
I am going down to Wisley first thing in the morning to get started.

The Beginning

2008-10-24T11:58:00.000-07:00

Well where do I begin. I am 60, facing a bleak future of mashed food, bus travel and incontinence, then blow me, we pull off an absolute blinder and London gets the Olympic Games! Can you believe it, the Olympics, here! This news has changed my life and I am determined to find an event to compete in and become the oldest competitor .